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Keywords:

• I was hi-fiving everyone. I even

Comment: hi-fived the wall for doing such a good job supporting the ceiling and keeping us alive

Description: (all icons from sassybird)

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• He called himself Jesus all night

Comment: but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not

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• Man the liquor store just wrong

Comment: numbered me. It's a sign even God wants me to drink.

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• Things I woke up with this morning:

Comment: half a McMuffin, orange hair, and an asshole German man. Tequila was a horrible idea.

Keywords:

• Can you explain the plethora of

Comment: sunflower seeds in the dryer?

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• Obviously he wasn't ready for this

Comment: jelly and you can quote me on that.

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• I hope dressing up like a sexy

Comment: but very grown up and intelligent secretary while out shopping helps

Description: disguise how high I am right now

Keywords:

• So it turns out "let's pretend to be

Comment: gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed

Keywords:

• There's a paramedic out here.

Comment: What have you done?

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• I just realized I have my pepper spray

Comment: gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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• The shitshow didn't end. It just

Comment: relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.

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• You gotta pick a side.

Comment: My suggestion: side with tits

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• He went all Bachlorette on me...

Comment: "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit

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• Oh I never thought you were a dick.

Comment: You were one of the best morally compromised ideas I've ever had.

Keywords:

• This was like angel cum on the

Comment: bread of life with the nectar of the gods.